Helplessness Amidst an Epidemic

Due to a random combination of events, I finally had the chance to return to China for Lunar New Year for the first time in 17 years. A chance to celebrate the largest holiday of the year with my family - who wouldn't jump at the opportunity?

I was also excited for the chance to do some volunteer work with local Chinese hospitals - 2 local hospitals to be precise. One of these hospitals is the busiest Women's Hospital in my hometown city of Dalian, and I was excited to observe how the local surgeons perform their gynecologic cases, to learn from their expertise and experience. The other hospital, this one a stone's throw from my home, is the very hospital where I was born. To volunteer and work as an obstetrician in the very hospital where you were born, it feels like life come full circle.

Of course, all those plans were disrupted from the very day (probably from before) I set foot on home soil. During my overnight shift on L&D 3 days before I left the US, I heard rumblings about a novel Coronavirus (2019-nCoV) outbreak in Wuhan, China. The nurses discouraged me from going back to China. One of the charge nurses told me flat-out not to go - what if I don't make it back? But I refused to change my travel plans. I had stayed in Singapore during the height of the SARS epidemic, stayed in Uganda in the midst of a minor Ebola outbreak, survived every single flu epidemic every single year (yeah, there's a flu epidemic every year, causing way higher numbers of serious illnesses and fatalities, but we're all losing our heads over this Coronavirus outbreak, go figure), this novel Coronavirus doesn't scare me. And if this really is the end of the world (which I'm fairly confident it's not), then I want to spend the end of days with my mother, my family, on my home soil.

So I boarded my flight and flew to China. I had a wonderful New Year's Eve dinner with my mom, my aunt, and her family. And then, I underwent 14 days of semi-quarantine. The Chinese government took extreme measures to prevent the spread of this 2019-nCoV epidemic. The Chinese New Year holidays were first extended to 2/2/20, and then to 2/9/20. Everything except for the most necessary services were closed down. In those 14 days, I left my home a total of 3 times, each time with a face mask, and single-use gloves.

I contacted my medical contacts in China. Could I still come volunteer? No, they said, no outsiders were allowed. There was a shortage of health professionals, could I help out? No, they said, no outsiders were allowed. What can I do, I asked? Stay at home, don't go outdoors unless absolutely necessary. My home city of Dalian sent a medical team of 500 healthcare professionals to the Hubei province to help with care of the 2019-nCoV patients. I was absolutely devastated that there was nothing I could do, a useless person sitting at home doing completely useless things.

This situation was absolutely crazy. This is why I became a doctor - to help those who need my help the most. A major epidemic was breaking out in the country of my birth, the country of my family, the country of my people, and all I could do was stay indoors, at home, helpless. That uncomfortably familiar feeling I used to have during my time as a student came roaring back - the feeling of complete and absolute helplessness - watching as medical disasters unfolded before my eyes, with zero ability to do anything useful. How could this be happening to me again? In this situation? In this country? I'm a fully qualified physician with excellent training, dammit!

Never again, I swore. I pulled up the application for Médecins San Frontières. I'm going where the epidemics are, where the catastrophes occur, where my purpose lies. I feel like I'm finally going home.