All those sacrifices I had willingly made...

When I was growing up, I felt stifled by the strict Singaporean education system. It was all work, all study, all the time. I remembered my earlier school days in the US so fondly. We learned about the universe, and played games (played games??!!) in school. And I couldn't wait to go back. The first chance I got, I sped my way back into the US education system, just in time for college.

I confidently turned down my acceptance into NUS to study Medicine. I wanted to pursue a liberal arts education, to become a well-rounded human being. Ever since then, my visits back to Singapore have been few and far in between, and always for the same reason - a brief visit to the US embassy to get another stamp on my passport, allowing me to stay in the US for the next few years. But every time I came back, I contacted my Singaporean friends to meet up, catch up, reconnect. Facebook helped to facilitate these meetings - thank you Mark Zuckerberg.

When I returned after college to extend my F1 visa so that I could further my studies in medical school, I realized that my Singaporean friends had all finished medical school and were already doctors. A slow and painful realization started to seep into my consciousness. I still had no regrets though. No, none at all! I had studied abroad in Paris. Gone to Kenya on an Anthropology trip. I majored in Psychology and Biology, and minored in French and Creative Writing. I had had a life, an amazing college experience. I had no regrets.

When I returned during medical school to get yet another extension on my F1 visa so that I could defer graduation for a year and take a detour through Uganda to work out my life and career goals, I realized that my Singaporean friends were either in the middle of residency or already done. The slow and painful realization grew stronger and more painful. Did I regret my choices and decisions? No, I don't believe so.

The next time I needed to apply for a US visa, I skipped Singapore all together, and went to the US embassy in Guatemala. I said that I was going on a Spanish immersion trip, to learn Spanish in order to communicate with my largely Hispanic patient population. But did some part of me want to avoid Singapore, avoid seeing what my friends in Singapore had achieved, in stark contrast to what I had not?

And now, after all these years, here I am, back again. I too have finished residency. I too am an attending physician working in a large academic hospital, living the dream. "Where did you imagine yourself after all these years of struggle? Ideally? Where did you see yourself in your most daring dreams?" Lily asked me as we were chatting about these nostalgic feelings brought up by my wandering trip down memory lane. I thought about it long and hard. "I guess I always imagined myself right here where I am, an attending physician working in a large academic hospital, living the dream. I guess I just didn't realize that all those sacrifices I had willingly made to achieve this goal, that those sacrifices would be so costly."

I have missed almost every important life event in my family and friends' lives - weddings, births, even funerals. I have moved to wherever I had to, to further my career. I have broken up with multiple significant others because I prioritized my career above my relationships. And I look back over all those sacrifices that I had willingly made over all those years, and in that moment, standing in the middle of the city where I had come closest to calling home, I felt a pang of regret.